Myth #1: "Adultery is about sex." Often just the opposite
seems the case. When a sexual affair is uncovered, observers often say, "What did he see in her?" or "What did she see in
him?" Frequently the sex is better at home, and the marriage partner is at least as attractive as the adulterous partner.
Being pretty, handsome, or sensual is usually not the major issue. Partners
in affairs are not usually chosen because they are prettier, more handsome, or sexier. They are chosen for various sorts of
strange and nonsexual reasons. Usually the other woman or the other man in an adulterous relationship meets needs the spouse
does not meet in the marriage. Dr. Willard Harley lists five primary needs for a man and five primary needs for a women in
his book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. He believes that unmet needs, by either partner, are a primary
cause of extramarital affairs. He has also found that people wander into these affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite
of whatever strong moral or religious convictions they may hold. A lack of fulfillment in one of these basic emotional areas
creates a dangerous vacuum in a person's life. And, unfortunately, many will eventually fill that need outside of marriage.
Frank Pittman, author of the book Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal
of Intimacy, found in his own personal study that many of his patients who had affairs had a good sex life, but came from
marriages with little or no intimacy. He concluded that, "Affairs were thus three times more likely to be the pursuit of a
buddy than the pursuit of a better orgasm."{8}
Sex may not be involved in some affairs. The relationship may be merely
an emotional liaison. Counselor Bonnie Weil warns that these so-called "affairs of the heart can be even more treacherous
than the purely physical kind. Women, particularly, are inclined to leave their husbands when they feel a strong emotional
bond with another man."{9}
Myth #2: "Adultery is about character." In the past, society
looked down on alcoholics as having weak character because of their problem. Now we see it as an addiction or even a disease.
While that doesn't excuse the behavior, we can see that can't be merely labeled as bad character.
There is growing psychological evidence that adulterous behavior in parents
dramatically affects children when they reach adulthood. Just as divorce in a family influences the likelihood of the adult
children to consider divorce, adulterous behavior by parents seems to beget similar behavior by their offspring. Is this not
one more example of the biblical teaching that the sins of one generation being visited upon the next?
Myth #3: "Adultery is therapeutic." Some of the psychology
books and women's magazines circulating through our culture promote extra-marital affairs as positive. This myth that an affair
can revive a dull marriage is a devastating lie. Depending on which source you are reading, an affair will: make you a better
lover, help you with your mid-life crisis, bring joy into your life, or even bring excitement back into your marriage. Nothing
could be further from the truth. An affair might give you more sex, but it could also give you a sexually transmitted disease.
It might bring your marriage more excitement, if you consider divorce court exciting. Remember that adultery results in divorce
65 percent of the time. "For most people and most marriages, infidelity is dangerous."{10}
Myth #4: "Adultery is harmless." Movies are just one venue
in which adultery has been promoted positively. The English Patient received twelve Oscar nominations including best picture
of the year for its depiction of an adulterous relationship between a handsome count and the English-born wife of his colleague.
The Bridges of Madison County relates the story of an Iowa farmer's wife who has a brief extra-marital affair with a National
Geographic photographer that supposedly helped re-energize her marriage. The Prince of Tides received seven Oscar nominations
and shows a married therapist bedding down her also-married patient.
Notice the euphemisms society has developed over the years to excuse or
soften the perception of adultery. Many are not repeatable, but ones that are include: fooling around, sleeping around, flings,
affairs, and dalliances. These and many other phrases perpetuate the notion the adultery is guilt-free and hurts no one. Some
have even suggested that it's just a recreational activity like playing softball or going to the movies. Well, don't pass
the popcorn, please.
Forbidden sex is an addiction that can--and usually does--have devastating
consequences to an individual and a family. Adultery shatters trust, intimacy, and self-esteem. It breaks up families, ruins
careers, and leaves a trail of pain and destruction in its path. This potential legacy of emotional pain for one's children
should be enough to make a person stop and count the costs before it's too late.
Even when affairs are never exposed, emotional costs are involved. For
example,adulterous mates deprive their spouses of energy and intimacy that should go into the marriage. They deceive their
marriage partners and become dishonest about their feelings and actions. As Frank Pittman says, "The infidelity is not in
the sex, necessarily, but in the secrecy. It isn't whom you lie with. It's whom you lie to."{11} 1
Myth #5: "Adultery has to end in divorce." Only about
35 percent of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair; the other 65 percent divorce. Perhaps nothing
can destroy a marriage faster than marital infidelity.
The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. One counselor claims
that 98 percent of the couples she treats remain together after counseling. Granted this success rate is not easy to achieve
and requires immediate moral choices and forgiveness, but it does demonstrate that adultery does not have to end in divorce.
Notes
Samuel Janus and Cynthia Janus, The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1993), 169.
Joannie
Schrof, "Adultery in America," U.S. News and World Report, 31 Aug. 1998, 31.
Frank Pittman, Private Lies: Infidelity and
the Betrayal of Intimacy (New York: Norton, 1989), 117.
Ibid., 13.
Kenneth Woodward, "Sex, Morality and the Protestant
Minister," Newsweek (28 July 1997), 62.
"How Common Is Pastoral Indiscretion?" Leadership (Winter 1988), 12.
In this
poll Americans were asked: "What is your opinion about a married person having sexual relations with someone other than his
or her spouse? Their answers: 79% answered "always wrong" and another 11% answered "almost always wrong." Cited in "Attitudes
on Adultery," USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll, 1997.
Pittman, 122.
Bonnie Eaker Weil, Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (Norwalk,
Conn.: Hastings House, 1994), 9.
Pittman, 37.
Ibid., 53.
