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Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain
than the revelation of the affair itself.
So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was
put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is
a combination of both Plan A and Plan B.
Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not
point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6.
Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule
dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your
life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things,
go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce
or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make
your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life,
with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices
and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness
and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold,
until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23.
Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what
your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take
care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28.
Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will
be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do
not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she
is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your
hard earned changes.
The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed
spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after
all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse,
you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten
and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive
is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.
References:
Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers |
